I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
