i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
