I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
BRING THE BAGELS
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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