Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
