Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
