allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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