I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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