my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
