we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
