Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
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