take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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