Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
