I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
