Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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