I think my fart just growled at me.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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