She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
