I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
