When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
