dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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