I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize