lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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