it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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