At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
