she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
you inspire me to be a worse person
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
