Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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