Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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