Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Randomize
