I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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