Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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