I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
