Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
