you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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