I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
it glows. i had to have it.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
