Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
