I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize