Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize