I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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