I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
