I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
