I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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