My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
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