Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
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