Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
