Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
