We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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