Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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