do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
