i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
