Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
