You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
