It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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