you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
