it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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