I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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