She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
