I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize