I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
