i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
