honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
