I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
