I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
