My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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