I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
