I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
