Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
