so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
